Hush little Baby, don't you cry...

It’s 12:24am and I’m not asleep.
But I haven’t slept for days.
It takes me approx 30 minutes (depending on how tired I am) to go from eyes open, head on pillow, full consciousness to REM sleep. In that 30 minutes I will turn probably 3 times to finally end up on my left side. I will put on way to many blankets but end up with my feet uncovered. I will think. And tonight, I will probably cry.

It’s not the unnecessary turning or the routine blanket process I am weary of, it’s the thinking. I want to skip that process. I’m too tired to cater to my analytical mind and too awake to fall quickly asleep unaware of its presence.

I’ll think about the children’s hostile in Mae Sot. I’ll think about waking up at 5:30am to join the kids and sing “I love the mountains.” I love that song but not as much as I love how it sounded coming out of their mouths. They sang it in unison. The sweet harmony and the peaceful words that lifted from their lips, in between emerging yawns, found their way outside of the tin roofed building and into the brown field. Their synchronization and small voices woke up the birds; they woke up the nearby pigs, and the stray dogs. They woke up the widowed grandma sleeping nearby and, simultaneously, they woke up my heart. Their song was beautiful but not like pretty polished rehearsed beautiful. It was hopeful abandoned passionate praise beautiful. I sang it too. I closed my eyes and pulled my blanket close. I forgot about the bugs, the concrete floor, and the brisk air for those moments.

I love the mountains
I love the waterfalls
I love the blue skies
I love the flowers
Thank you God for making them
I love you God
I love you God
I love you God

He is not so far from us.
For the Bible and my parents and my youth pastors and my friends tell me so.
But with all my “knowing” that He is close I wanted to understand too. (Job 42)

He is close, so close. I know because He showed me that time in Pattaya when I was speaking with the woman at the bar and she told me she hopes the love of her life will come rescue her from this lifestyle. He showed me when the woman in prison grabbed my hand after I prayed for her and she sat there and cried and nodded her head. When the little girl in Mae Sot came up to me and adorned my head with the flower crown she made. She hugged me and said, “You are wonderful. Very very beautiful.”

I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I didn’t know.

So if I go to sleep right now I’ll think. I’ll wish I could feel Him again, even though He spoke to me and told me I won’t always feel His presence. I won’t always see clearly – not on this earth.

Although, I’m not so focused. And as long as I’m being so honest (thanks sleep depravation) I might as well say that in that 30 minutes I’d think about me too. How unlovely. I’d think about how I have to get a job as soon as I get back to the Springs. I’d think about how I’m supposed to figure out what career I need to pursue and how I thought going to Australia and Thailand would give me more clarity – but it only opened more doors. It’s not options I’m after here – I need more paths, less options. But then I’d think about not being worried about that because He has always been faithful loving – and those 2 characteristics together are brilliant, unfailing. Then I’d think about boys…mmm, more like the boy. I’ll think about the 5 lbs I gained in Australia. And then I’d just pray before I entered some kind of mid life crisis. I’d doze off in prayer to Him.
Tonight, His character is my lullaby.


So that is why I can’t sleep. It’s my mind. It’s high maintenance.


“Behind all your tears, there’s a smile.
Everything
Everything
Everything
You mean everything to me.”
-Ben Harper-

I want to own a Top Hat...to greet people with the slight tapping on the stiff brim.

Attention all readers, could I be so rude?
How could I miss out on this for so long? Here is my mood/process/emotion for this day:

This is important. If you know me, you can tell my mind’s processing ability in that particular day by what I am listening to…

Listening to Ingrid Michaelson: Breakable

Wanting to see: a comedy (not to be confused with a romantic comedy)

I am laughing at myself because it is cold here in NC but all my suitcase holds is the tank tops, sandals, and skirts I have worn for the past 6 months while being in hotta (extra “t” and “a” added because it was not just hot…it was hotta) Aussie land and Thailand. So yes, I am rocking my sandals and tank top while these dedicated bucks drinkers I am surrounded by are wearing the stylish scarf’s and leather boots that were approved by some fashionista for this season. (I think that sentence I just composed was a freakishly long run-on. Hmmm-horrifying)! Anyway, I look clearly uniformed by what the weather was going to be like today.

Currently I am sitting in Starbucks drinking a grande coffee light frappe. Inspired by my dear friend Kathleen who I connected with in Australia.

I have missed writing…wasn’t able to process much while I was gone. My thoughts are unleashed and I have a feeling this blog is going to be inundated with what my heart has held in for so long…

Play on, play on…

ba da dum

I must be in America now.
Cars are on the other side of the road. The Starbucks barista greets me, “How are you?” I’m taken back, didn’t she mean to say, “How youse going luv?” even a simple Thai greeting, “Swatee Kha” would have shocked me less.

Late night laughter with my sister curled up in the same oversized, and to my enjoyment, overstuffed baby blue comforter on her couch. I must be in America.

You know that feeling. The one that never goes away and you want to cry but you press on clinging onto God, knowing He knows…the incredibly deep aching for the comfort of the laughter of your sister, the good talks with your brother, the hug of your mother, the protection of your dad that is ushered in by his presence? I know that feeling so well…

This place my heart resided in for 6 months, but not in sin did I covet these things… only in the remembrance of the great blessing of the Lord. My heart lives here no more…I’m in America.

Could anyone who has seen the poverty and inconsolable pain of the majority of the world stand on American soil and think over and over again, “Why was I born in a hospital in a thriving country? Why not a slum next to the trash dump?”

But I am not going to stand on some soap box (I feel like the only soap box I have is how much I hate soap boxes) and proclaim how great or how awful America is. What I know is that I have seen poverty, I have seen wealth and I have seen people who understand where the quality and treasure of life is found. People who live in poverty, people who live without worldly want. I have found that both situations are difficult to live in…and I don’t want to hear from those people who favor one or the other.

Thank you Abba, that you have made me an alien to this world. Thank You that You have gone to prepare a place for the beloved followers.

Francis Thompson said that if it weren’t for the absence of love from his mum and the discomfort of home created by his missing father he probably never would have left. I think that it is because of the love of my mother and the ever-present encouragement of my dad, the comfort of home they created, that provoked me to leave. Some may say it is harder to leave a family behind when there is much love but for me, it made it easier to leave…knowing that I have the support of a family…the presence of a home to think of.

So, I am back. Prayers are much appreciated…I do not know what He has willed me to come back to. So far I have come back to loss and to change. While I have been irreversibly refined over the past 6 months, I see and have understanding that so too my dear friends and family have changed and grown. Hallelujah, He works on behalf of those who love Him (2 Chronicles 16:9)

hu·man·i·ty

Thoreau
said,
“The poet’s noblest work was his life; and his poetry would grow out of his life. But the poetry would never be as important as his life.”

And Mother Teresa
said,
“In my culture and tradition, the highest praise that can be given someone is, ‘Yu, u nobuntu” an acknowledgement that he or she has this wonderful quality: ubuntu. It is a reference to their actions to their fellow human beings, it has to do with how they see themselves within their intimate relationships, their familial relationships, and with their broader community. Ubuntu addresses a central tenet of African philosophy: the essence of what it is to be human.”

“God created man in His own image, the image of God He created them; male and female He created them” (Genesis 1:27).

humanity.

I came face to face with it in Thailand.

It has been too difficult for me to disclose what I have encountered and I am not content with my inability; therefore, I have securely locked myself in the flat I am residing in. I’m not coming out until I write to you something of what I saw…it has already been two hours….

….

….

…

She had no idea how long I had been praying for her. Her first encounter of me was when I walked up on her porch. For me, my first encounter of her was in late October when I was told I would be going to Thailand. My prayers of intercession for the people I would meet included her. She was seeing me for the first time but I had been praying for her for 3 months now.

My eyes examined all of her:
Rotted teeth with dried blood caked on the faithful remaining
Left leg missing up to her knee. The tip of it smeared in something white…I wondered how long since it had been treated.
Her eyes bloodshoot
Face with splotches…discoloration? Absence of showser? Medicine?
Fingers crippled and unable to be used. She would point with her whole hand.
And then she smiled…and all I saw was beauty.

I am not so brave. I hesitated to sit down next to her. The effects of leprosy had left her body irreversibly mutilated. I remembered how Jesus would touch people. I reached out my hand and rested it on her shoulder. I spoke my broken Thai and she spoke her broken English. In a moment like this the most valuable voice was that of my translator. I sat quietly as this old lady explained to the translator that her husband left her a few years ago. She has been afflicted with leprosy and she cannot sleep in the night because what’s left of her leg bothers her.
Now it’s my turn. I am to respond to this lady. She has been through more heartache and pain than I even knew of and my voice becomes the one she waits on. I crucify my fear and my belief in my insecurity. The thing is…she and I are the same. Made by the same Father, pursued by the same Lover, living in a world we are foreigners to. He told me, “Brianne. Brianne. I know her. I have seen every day of her life. I was there when her husband left, when she lost her leg. I was there last night. I have all authority to speak to her. Right now I have chosen you to exercise that authority.” I spoke up and asked if I could pray for her leg…at that moment the thing I wanted most was for her to sleep well. I wanted to know if she knew Jesus too… yet at this chosen time what I craved for her to know was that I, that Jesus, cared about her restlessness. She nodded. I bowed my head and was prompted within to touch her knee as I prayed. I had no time to contemplate the white gunk on her or if touching her knee would cause her pain. As I spoke out His name I moved my hand to her knee and I prayed.

I looked up and she grabbed my hand with her palms. She said in Thai, “I love you.” And in that moment, on that bamboo chair in Chantaburi there was no other human being I wanted to hear that from. No other who could have said those words to me and meant it like she did. I said it too and I meant it…only because He let me see her with His eyes. Only because He knows her…He let me know her too.

I was able to see her again a few days later. I grabbed my translator, “Please ask her if she slept last night.” I waited, probably too impatiently, for the translation to go through. The translator looked at me, “Yes. She says she sleeps now. She only wakes early in the morning because the rooster crows.”

He is sovereign. I am a 23 year old lady from Colorado Springs who knows little about severe illness and the sorrow of a runaway husband but He brought me to her, to pray for her and then He healed her discomfort. There is no way I would ever EVER want to follow anyone else. I’ll let Him lead me to the Valley of Achor

Because I know Him.
…..Because I trust His love.

Selah.

Plans for Hope

Countdown.

Less than 24 hours.

I will be in Thailand.

If there ever was a time that I was magnificently inspired to write and write elaborately, I assume it would be now...
assumptions always fall short in light of the reality and my words dim in comparison to what state my heart resides in.

Tomorrow I will be in Thailand and everything I ever spoke about or prayed about will become a physical experience...I will no longer have mere words, I will have stories.

Abba, you have heard my prayers.

Into the Desert

Ruth 1:16
“Do not urge me to leave you or turn back from following you; for where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God.”

There is a woman my heart aches for. I have not seen her or met her. I have only recently heard of her. She hides well, under the weight of statistics in a place I have never been to.

She has a name but I do not know it. Her true beauty is hidden but I desire to see it come forth as the Lord created it to be. Right now she is known as one of the 20,000-2,000,000 women that work on the streets of Pattaya,Thailand selling her body. She works as a prostitute to feed her children, to support herself, to fulfill the request of her family.
Throughout the world, Thailand is the center of the sex trade. Pattaya, a high traffic docking area for boats and ships, has become a large tourist attraction. Prostitution brings in a considerable amount of revenue. So while it is illegal, the government turns a blind eye-that’s what money does. At one point this woman may have realized that she does have worth, that she has more value than the $10 (US) but at some point you need to make a living-and that’s what money does.
The Tamar Center located in Pattaya, Thailand responded to the desperation that littered the streets of this city. They go out into the bars and speak with the women, building relationships with them and telling them of the love of Jesus Christ. They not only tell them there is a better life, they offer it. Once a woman chooses to leave the lifestyle of prostitution they can be trained by the Tamar center. They learn how to bake or how to decorate cards. They can then work and earn a living through their new talent. The Tamar Center also offers free English classes as well as bible studies and bible classes. These women are not only rescued but they are cared for and trained.

On Monday, December 31st a team of 12 girls will leave from Reef to Outback to go and support the Tamar Center, to offer our time and love. Each of us has prayed over this decision and has felt the call of the Lord to go to Thailand and love these women. We have spent weeks praying and preparing for this journey the Lord desires to take us on.

Our desire is simple, to see these women come to the saving knowledge of Christ and experience the fullness of life He offers. The ramifications of this is great, rescuing generations of women from a lifestyle that robs them so personally of their value and beauty.

We have 2 goals to see this happen: an empty bar and to bring forth Naomi and Ruth relationships.

Project “Your God is now my God”:

As our outreach team came together to pray we had the impression of an older woman (working as a prostitute) coming to saving knowledge of Christ and completely abandoning herself to His call. She became a strong advocate against prostitution and served the Lord and the Tamar Center to rescue young women from this lifestyle. As she ministered to the women she used to work alongside they too came to saving knowledge of Christ and left everything agreeing with the older woman, “Your God is now my God.” We pray for Naomi and Ruth relationships to be established.
We desire to see Thai women standing up for their worth and value while serving the Lord.

Project “Empty Bar”:

It is Friday night in Pattaya. The lights are bright and the tourists are loud. People filter in and out of bars. It is early, 7:00PM, and the night ahead is long. There is one bar in particular, this bar is silent. It is empty. All the prostitutes have been bought.
$10 (US) and we can buy a prostitute for a night.
For one night we can each rescue a woman from what lies ahead and show her love and kindness - for just $10.
You can be a pivotal part in helping us save a woman for a night.
Our desire is not to buy just 2 or 3 women but to buy out the WHOLE bar. We could use your help.
Imagine being the reason for a busy bar in the middle of Pattaya empty and shut down by 7:00PM. Imagine the impact.
This truly is partnership in ministry at its best. You contribute $10 and our team will be the hands and feet of Jesus to these women.

To find out more please visit this link and watch the video.
http://www.ywamthai.org/pattaya/tamar_video.html

Visit the below link to donate $10 by Wednesday, December 26 to Brianne to rescue a prostitute for a night.
http://www.reeftooutback.com/mypage.aspx?profile=2352

It's probably random and I'm probably tired...

It's the best feeling. Like when you are looking at one of those 3D picture books and after straining your eyes you finally see the picture. It leaps out at you and you wonder why it took so long for you to notice something, well something so noticeable?!

For me, it is when that perfect phrase or sentence enters my mind and my mood or current state becomes depicted with words. I reach for the little journal that I carry with me (and if not that I reach for a napkin or scrap piece of paper) and write down the small little sentence that brought revelation.

I have many of these little descriptors sprinkled throughout my poetry journal. I have forgotten them over the weeks but they are refreshed within my memory as of recently:

Writing #1 - recorded 20 October 2007
Making full use of her knees, as she cannot see why else she would have them, she braces mind and lowers her body down. Bowing so low that she almost sinks beneath the grassy foundation. And I suspect if the ground would give, she would allow nature to cover her. Though her body, now small and condensed, lay almost parallel to the earth her mind creeps upward wishing it would levitate above this desire she has - to be nothing.
A mere shadow.
An etching in an elaborate oil painting.
A single vein in the leaf of a flower.
A block of ice in the igloo.
Nothing else but the reflection of Abba.

Writing #2 - recorded on the same date while at Juliettes Cafe

Beauty not reproduced or packaged.
You.

The way waves sound when the sand intercedes their rhythmic ripples.
You who created the sun which leaves its evidence on my freckled face and cherry pink skin.
Fall leaves painted burnt shades and hold true to the season as they FALL.
The smell of fresh (which Glade tries to reproduce).
Whisper to me in this salt swept breeze.


Vanilla sand clinging to my toes, rubbing my skin smooth.
A cleansing of the callouses.

Writing #3 - recorded 3 Decebmer 2007

He is heavy upon me.
As aching roots dive deep into the dense ground seeking the food that sustains.
He too pursues past the good cheer I reside in.

And lastly I would like to expose what I wrote the day I returned from camping. All of me ached for the solitutde of the forest once again. The apparent need to rely on Him seemed stolen from me. In many ways society became my cage and I tottered about looking for the key:

Recorded on 3 December 2007

He steadily labors over me, cultivating a once hardened clay which ebbs and flakes.
My warm bed makes me forget You.
My ability to consume coffee at anytime makes me forget You.
Showers, cleanliness, food, make-up, mirrors...
And I forget You.

(My self-condemnation was heavy upon me in this day. True to His name He comforted me and spoke that I may not bear the burden of any self hate)

1 Corinthians 13:12
“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now i know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.”

I received, by His grace, a glimpse into how close He truly is to me. And many more glimpses will He grant me...but while on this earth only glimpses they shall be...

Thank You Abba.