Oh hi there!
This is just an update to let you know I've packed up my things (mind, writing ability, pics...) and moved them here: http://brimichelle.wordpress.com/
Hope you come visit me!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thrift Store Emotions.
If I’m being completely honest: (marked by free, forthright, and SINCERE expression).You’d see a lot.
And I’d hope for you to be the blind man who, with all his knowing and seeing, never grasped understanding. It was good to know and to be in the know and contentment was quite easily attainable from there. Your melancholy desire to actually grasp at understanding would protect me, because you would not actually know me. Although, you would know very well of me.
Then I’d let you “see”.
You would see all those sentences that float around in my head. The ones I want to say but politeness (maybe a form of deception?) grabs me and the sentences fall from my head, bypassing my mouth and entering into the gates of my heart. Sentences that are now filed away for that day when maybe I’ll just say what I want to say because I want to say it. Because I want you to hear it.
You would see all those terrific and homely struggles that keep my mind going. The suggestions and remedies I am coaxing up, testing them with the Truth then trying to hand feed it to this parade of a brain.
Of course all these equations befriend one another to form this procession of faulty self-righteousness. So I actually start to think that I am protecting you from me: a mess. A territory not only dangerous to map out but one that may not lead to the proper and agreeable outcome.
But that’s if I’m being honest.
You would see that this mostly joyous young lady that, “lifts her skirt up to her knees and walks through the rose garden with her bare feet, laughing” at times is gripped by such inwardness, such penetrating and colorful silence (sometimes you really are alone in the room). You would see my burden which is also my hope and let’s not be cordial here-the weight of hope is sometimes more severe than the most threatening sorrow.
I have a heart. Eternity is planted in it. A root hidden deep. The root now discovered, embraced and is transforming the way I do life (which sometimes I suck at. Some people aren’t good at sewing or maybe soccer but many times I am just not good at life).
Past my rebellious flesh, my tired and overworked mind - can you see it? Look closely. Past it all is eternity. Eternity. Planted within my very being. Sewn in as it were the binding of the book, holding it all together.
Honesty, that nagging companion, would push me to say that I am homesick in a way that cannot be confronted and the root is maintaining this longing, facilitating the way I am embracing this life. Will it (the root) not simply be lulled into a comma - just a comma! Most temporary.
But no, it sticks the way my tongue does to the roof of my mouth when that dentist man puts that suction thing into my mouth (I hate that feeling).
Homesick? Could I use a more under-whelming word? As if I were some college student that misses her mother and father after the first semester (and how I know the ache of being away from home for the first time), but this is not that. This is a more precise kind of sick, yet still dealing with home. My soul, my being is being purged, my mind bedridden, my reasoning infected with that abominable craving.
A protective heart lashes out, knowing this is not my home, not my way. Knowing that I didn’t want to do that at all, in fact I wanted to do this - but instead I did that and now I am dealing with it. “It” being the “that” I did not want to do.
The curtains open as I wrestle with my disobedient (but yearning to be obedient) self. The root churns within me and the absence (temporary) of my unseen home leaves me fragile.
There are those rare moments when I am scavenging for the shovel to eradicate eternity out. Out! To destroy all traces and make this longing dull, maybe even pitiable. To numb the ever-present fascination and desire for His gaze - steady on me, reassuring me of His love and slaughtering all the lies. A deleterious massacre of all the ways in which I think I am so unpleasant, so unkind, and most times so awful at figuring out the proper way to even lift the cross (and I hear we are to be carrying it as well).
In the same breath (because my mind is quite untidy, with debris laying around from wars I’ve already waged concerning who I am and what I’m here for and what He’s going to let me be) I’d protect and guard with fervency this root (as if I had the power to burn it anyway). Eternity makes this life real...makes me real (I’m not a wooden girl after all). I have purpose, I have a destination. I have the Embrace to keep me moving.
It reminds me I’m still known and you can’t take that away. My lies can’t take that away.
Honestly (a kind of grace?), I don’t want you to be blind. I want you to see me and say you hear me, that you know me and you have chased after understanding. That with those two, your seeing me and knowing (understanding) me, you see beauty. You would see that I am not protecting the world from ugliness but that I am hiding the light under the bowl, and how impolite of me! You would see (and please, help me see) that there is immense beauty I have to offer and therefore up the hill I should march, the light will shine bright.
But, that’s if I’m being (honest).
“I told you I would never leave you. I told you I loved you from the start” -Pedro the Lion
“I feel like Carolina, I split myself in two. My friends said, ‘Stick to your guns!’ But instead I just got stuck. And I’m walking backwards looking forward to getting done but that ain’t enough, no you want me to run.” -M Ward
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end” - Ecc 3:11 (NIV)
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Acoustic Love
Oh. Oh wow. I guess it has been awhile.
But wait, let me explain: This past holiday season has possibly been the busiest I have encountered...here's a glimpse:
I feel like I am just now on the route to recovery and in celebration of resting from all that has taken place, I’m not going to talk about it:) But I am going to write.
Introduction: I am at Agia Sophia drinking a chai. This table consists of a dictionary, Bible, Remembrance of Things Past (Marcel Proust), journal, and my pen (which is a new purchase, Sharpie has come out with their first ever pen, and I loooove writing with it).
Action: I’m listening to Basia Bulat...and I’ll steal iTunes’ description, “She has an easygoing, friendly style that borrows heavily from the chick-rock craze of the 1990s.” I’m listening to her song, Little Waltz. And it keeps playing. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. It makes me want to go try on dresses in some hidden boutique store while sipping on mimosa’s then go ballroom dancing all night. And I like the idea of this, so as I said, I keep listening to it...on repeat!
The real deal: Ok. Though I have been absent from the blogging world - I’m using this post as a time of reflection on 2008. Here is the synopsis:
There was a lot of change in my life in 2008, I mean A LOT. But I won’t go into it too much.
I returned to America in March of 2008 and I was a mess, and not even the pretty, romanticized kind of mess. My heart was completely gutted, my thoughts incomprehensible, my heart shattered stained glass. Not only was I months away from turning 24 but I was career-less, actually more like jobless.
I could go on with all that plagued me, and I have in my contemplations with the Lord. But this is what I want to tell you, this is what is worthy: What God showed me in 2008 was His faithfulness. If I had to capture one characteristic of my walk and interaction with the Lord in 2008, it would be His faithfulness. Which, as Jesus and I were talking about it on Jan 1st, 2009, this shocked me because 2008 was an incredibly intense year for me. But there is a reason for this:
December 2007 quickly became Jan 01, 2008 while I was in the back of a Tsung Tao in Thailand. Then after some of the most lonely times, some of the most horrific events, and doing life with some of the most precious children I returned to Australia only to say goodbye to the people I had lived a complete exposed life with. For 6 months we poured into each other, poured ourselves out, gave love, accepted love, prayed, cried, yelled, forgave, asked for forgiveness, sobbed, handled situations well, handled situations awfully...and now I was saying goodbye.
The end of February I traveled Australia, the majority of it alone. The whole time anxious for what awaited me back home and not wanting to face the losses I knew I was coming back to.
Then by March I’m back in America.
For months I went to bed with a loud ache that refused comfort. I longed for that time in Chantaburi when I went to bed utterly exhausted from doing ministry with the leper community. Tapped out from planning and speaking and not understanding Thai. My spiritual vigor taking a hit from all the evil and doubt and hopelessness that sauntered through the community like a heavy fog. I went to bed drained but the picture I saw as I closed my eyes was His presence drawing near, ready to replenish me with just His embrace. That is worth everything.
His faithfulness has carried me through. Brought me deep contentment when I should have been numb. Rich joy when I should have steeped in depression.
In the summer I was hired at Compassion International on-call. Let’s talk about going from working with women in prostitution and Burmese refugees to filing papers. That is quite a leap and my passion would have taken a hit if I were not working for such an amazing organization that works to release children from poverty in Jesus’ name. (And anyone who has talked to me for even 15 minutes in the past 6 months knows how blessed I am that the Lord opened this door)!
On my birthday I was hired on in the marketing department with the web team as the Internet Communications Support Specialist. If you were there that day when my supervisor walked in and said, “So, would you like to work for Compassion?” you would have known that I was overwhelmed the rest of the day by the immense gift of the Lord! I am pretty sure I even squealed a few times (that’s just embarrassing).
I have met amazing people...truly. I am interacting daily with people who are warriors for the Kingdom of God. I am working with people who pick up their cross daily and say, “I'm Yours, Lord.”
He is faithful!
So, I realize it is now 2009, and here is how I am entering into it:
In December my boss told me about a twist on New Year resolutions. Then he wrote a blog post about it. Go ahead, read it...and if you are anything like me, you’ll love it. I am immensely challenged to pick ONE word for 2009.
There are a lot of reasons for me to step into 2009 with fear...and He and I have talked about it in-depth. Not so sure how I am even feeling about this year. But we talked about that too...and so, here is my word for 2009: LOVE.
And here is why:
“We should desire to love Him as perfectly as we can, in this life as well as in eternity” (25). The Practice of the Presence of God by brother Lawrence
“I therefore, a prisoner of the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Eph 4:1-3, ESV).
I know very little about love, even less about loving people well. But, I want to know more and I want to learn how to love better, deeper, richer.
Notice the name of my post? Well I came up with it because the definition of acoustic is, “Not electronically produced or modified.” And that’s how I want to love. Me, my love, my being, my encouragement, my sincerity, my rawness...nothing added but the Love of Christ.
Did you pick a word? I’d love to know, I’d love to be praying for you!
But wait, let me explain: This past holiday season has possibly been the busiest I have encountered...here's a glimpse:
I feel like I am just now on the route to recovery and in celebration of resting from all that has taken place, I’m not going to talk about it:) But I am going to write.
Introduction: I am at Agia Sophia drinking a chai. This table consists of a dictionary, Bible, Remembrance of Things Past (Marcel Proust), journal, and my pen (which is a new purchase, Sharpie has come out with their first ever pen, and I loooove writing with it).
Action: I’m listening to Basia Bulat...and I’ll steal iTunes’ description, “She has an easygoing, friendly style that borrows heavily from the chick-rock craze of the 1990s.” I’m listening to her song, Little Waltz. And it keeps playing. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. It makes me want to go try on dresses in some hidden boutique store while sipping on mimosa’s then go ballroom dancing all night. And I like the idea of this, so as I said, I keep listening to it...on repeat!
The real deal: Ok. Though I have been absent from the blogging world - I’m using this post as a time of reflection on 2008. Here is the synopsis:
There was a lot of change in my life in 2008, I mean A LOT. But I won’t go into it too much.
I returned to America in March of 2008 and I was a mess, and not even the pretty, romanticized kind of mess. My heart was completely gutted, my thoughts incomprehensible, my heart shattered stained glass. Not only was I months away from turning 24 but I was career-less, actually more like jobless.
I could go on with all that plagued me, and I have in my contemplations with the Lord. But this is what I want to tell you, this is what is worthy: What God showed me in 2008 was His faithfulness. If I had to capture one characteristic of my walk and interaction with the Lord in 2008, it would be His faithfulness. Which, as Jesus and I were talking about it on Jan 1st, 2009, this shocked me because 2008 was an incredibly intense year for me. But there is a reason for this:
December 2007 quickly became Jan 01, 2008 while I was in the back of a Tsung Tao in Thailand. Then after some of the most lonely times, some of the most horrific events, and doing life with some of the most precious children I returned to Australia only to say goodbye to the people I had lived a complete exposed life with. For 6 months we poured into each other, poured ourselves out, gave love, accepted love, prayed, cried, yelled, forgave, asked for forgiveness, sobbed, handled situations well, handled situations awfully...and now I was saying goodbye.
The end of February I traveled Australia, the majority of it alone. The whole time anxious for what awaited me back home and not wanting to face the losses I knew I was coming back to.
Then by March I’m back in America.
For months I went to bed with a loud ache that refused comfort. I longed for that time in Chantaburi when I went to bed utterly exhausted from doing ministry with the leper community. Tapped out from planning and speaking and not understanding Thai. My spiritual vigor taking a hit from all the evil and doubt and hopelessness that sauntered through the community like a heavy fog. I went to bed drained but the picture I saw as I closed my eyes was His presence drawing near, ready to replenish me with just His embrace. That is worth everything.
His faithfulness has carried me through. Brought me deep contentment when I should have been numb. Rich joy when I should have steeped in depression.
In the summer I was hired at Compassion International on-call. Let’s talk about going from working with women in prostitution and Burmese refugees to filing papers. That is quite a leap and my passion would have taken a hit if I were not working for such an amazing organization that works to release children from poverty in Jesus’ name. (And anyone who has talked to me for even 15 minutes in the past 6 months knows how blessed I am that the Lord opened this door)!
On my birthday I was hired on in the marketing department with the web team as the Internet Communications Support Specialist. If you were there that day when my supervisor walked in and said, “So, would you like to work for Compassion?” you would have known that I was overwhelmed the rest of the day by the immense gift of the Lord! I am pretty sure I even squealed a few times (that’s just embarrassing).
I have met amazing people...truly. I am interacting daily with people who are warriors for the Kingdom of God. I am working with people who pick up their cross daily and say, “I'm Yours, Lord.”
He is faithful!
So, I realize it is now 2009, and here is how I am entering into it:
In December my boss told me about a twist on New Year resolutions. Then he wrote a blog post about it. Go ahead, read it...and if you are anything like me, you’ll love it. I am immensely challenged to pick ONE word for 2009.
There are a lot of reasons for me to step into 2009 with fear...and He and I have talked about it in-depth. Not so sure how I am even feeling about this year. But we talked about that too...and so, here is my word for 2009: LOVE.
And here is why:
“We should desire to love Him as perfectly as we can, in this life as well as in eternity” (25). The Practice of the Presence of God by brother Lawrence
“I therefore, a prisoner of the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Eph 4:1-3, ESV).
I know very little about love, even less about loving people well. But, I want to know more and I want to learn how to love better, deeper, richer.
Notice the name of my post? Well I came up with it because the definition of acoustic is, “Not electronically produced or modified.” And that’s how I want to love. Me, my love, my being, my encouragement, my sincerity, my rawness...nothing added but the Love of Christ.
Did you pick a word? I’d love to know, I’d love to be praying for you!
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